


Burden

by PictureMeBroken



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Idol universe, Other, tw jeonghan is not in a good place mentally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26961346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PictureMeBroken/pseuds/PictureMeBroken
Summary: In which Jeonghan can’t stop the voice that says he’s not good enough, but Jihoon can.
Relationships: Lee Jihoon | Woozi/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Burden

**Author's Note:**

> So I put HanHoon as the relationship for tagging purposes, but really it's Jeonghan centric and my only intention in this was friendship. Now if you want to imagine this in a romantic scenario, I won't say you're wrong because I am the captain of the HanHoon ship.xD 
> 
> Warnings: Jeonghan’s not really in a good place mentally in this fic, and it might be kind of difficult for people suffering with thoughts of hopelessness to read, so just be wary of that.   
> Word count: Roughly 1.3k
> 
> Written for Carat Revival Week 2. 
> 
> My favorite Vocal Unit song is a three way tie between Hug, Habit, and Don’t Listen in Secret, so those three songs are what inspired this fic.

_ Jeonghan shrinks further into himself as the door creaks open. The tracks on his cheeks feel like ice where the breeze from the open door touches them.  _

_ He doesn’t turn on the light as he steps into the dark room, closing the door behind him. Jeonghan knows it must be Jihoon because no one else would notice, no one else would care to the extent he does, no one else would know that Jeonghan doesn’t want to be seen like this, to leave his tears hidden in the shadows of the practice room.  _

_ A familiar weight settles next to him on the floor, Jihoon’s shoulder pressed against his as silence stretches between them, punctuated by Jeonghan’s small sniffles.  _

_ “It’s okay, y’know...to not be satisfied...to feel like you aren’t doing enough...to cry...” Jeonghan can feel Jihoon’s eyes on him despite the dark clouding their images. “We all feel like that sometimes. I-I feel like that a lot. So it’s okay...if you need to share that pain.”  _

_ Jihoon’s arms are around him then and Jeonghan falls apart, the sobs he’s been holding in tearing free and his fingers clenching Jihoon’s sweater with such intensity that his knuckles screeam at him.  _

_ They don’t speak again, but eventually Jeonghan calms down and the tears stop as Jihoon works gentle circles over the elder’s back.  _

* * *

Jeonghan’s gotten to used too Jihoon’s comfort over the years. He always knew he was getting to attached, too dependent on the younger. But there was always a little voice in the back of his head that said that maybe it wasn’t one-sided, that maybe Jihoon needed him just as much as he needed Jihoon. 

The voice has been quiet for weeks now and isolation doesn’t suit him because the naive, hopeful voice that would marvel at he and Jihoon’s closeness has been replaced by a spiteful, cynical voice that plays on a loop all of his mistakes in letting himself become so reliant on someone who could so easily get tired of his neediness. 

He rolls over on the small mattress in his room. The lights are off, they always are, and he fumbles in the room for a pillow to wrap around his head, trying to block out the sound coming from somewhere inside that tells him he shouldn’t even be here. He doesn’t deserve any of this. He doesn’t deserve the love of fans, he doesn’t deserve a spotlight, he doesn’t deserve to be a part of something so wonderful when he’s just so utterly lacking. It’s a never ending loop that bounces off the walls and hit him over and over and over and the pillow barely muffles the sobs that he can’t hold in anymore. 

He imagines Jihoon’s hands on him then. He remembers long, nimble fingers, musician’s fingers gently combing through his knotted hair after a particularly rough day and he imagines that he can feel them again, that Jihoon is there to hold him until this feeling passes. 

Jeonghan’s imagination isn’t that good. The longing he feels for human contact in that moment is all encompassing and thoughts of Jihoon just make the air around him colder as it sinks in just how long he’s been doing this without him now. 

Part of him hopes that Jihoon is suffering too, wherever he is, that they’re connected and he’s in pain and thinking of Jeonghan and wanting to wrap his arms around him to stifle the feelings of emptiness and hopelessness that threaten to drown them both. 

But then reality sinks in and he knows that it’s not the same for Jihoon. He knows that this has always been him needing Jihoon to remind him how to breathe and function because he’s never learned how to do that one his own, but Jihoon isn’t like Jeonghan. Jihoon is stronger than that, more self-sufficient. Jihoon has always had a way to handle whatever gets thrown at him, whatever burdens are placed on him, and Jeonghan envies him because Jeonghan has never been able to handle anything without Jihoon there.

Jeonghan curls in on himself as he shakes, struggling to take even a single breath through a throat that’s too tight, constricted so that the pain almost matches the pain in his chest. 

He knows it won’t change anything, but the name slips through parched lips like a prayer into the room.

“ _ Jihoon. _ ”

* * *

It hits him the hardest during one of their performances. His heart sinks when the piano notes filter through the speaker, hands shaking and he swallows thickly. 

He manages to make it through his lines and he hopes no one will notice how his voice quivers around his “ _ Will I be able to forget everything? _ ” 

There’s too much truth in this song, in all of their songs, and he wants to curse Jihoon for being able to so easily pluck all of the feelings from his heart and put them to paper and music and he wants it all to stop. He wants to stop feeling like this. He wants to stop being so weak, so vulnerable, so utterly incapable of surviving ever since Jihoon stopped being his life line. 

Jeonghan hates himself at the thought. It isn’t Jihoon’s fault that Jeonghan is so messed up, so insecure and broken that he can’t breathe some nights from the tightness in his chest. He isn’t Jihoon’s responsibility and he knows that it’s better for Jihoon not to be forced to soak up all of Jeonghan’s negativity and he wants to hope that Jihoon is able to smile more freely without Jeonghan weighing him down, but he’s selfish and he wants Jihoon around to hold him up when he feels like falling. 

He flinches when he hears the soft tap of knuckles against his bedroom door, breath coming in short, shallow gasps as the door creaks open and someone enters. He pulls his knees up to his chest, back pressed against the wall. 

The bed sinks beside him and Jihoon’s shoulder comes to rest against his. It’s so similar, so reminiscent of when they were trainees and Jihoon hugged him and offered to take on all of his sadness for the first time. Jeonghan’s lips quirk up in the ghost of a bitter smile at the memory before falling again. 

Jihoon breaks the silence. “I’m sorry.” 

Jeonghan turns towards him, shock radiating through his body. What does Jihoon have to be sorry for? It isn’t Jihoon’s fault Jeonghan is needy and insecure. It’s isn’t Jihoon’s job to deal with the elder’s fragile mental state, he just fell into this position. He shouldn’t feel sorry for Jeonghan being a mess, he shouldn’t- 

Jeonghan is shaking already and Jihoon’s arms are around him seconds, pulling him into the younger and for the first time in weeks it’s like he can actually breathe as everything he’s been holding on to finally falls away. 

“I haven’t been a very good friend to you recently. It’s been...it’s been hard for me too these past few weeks.” Jihoon’s voice is quivering and Jeonghan’s chest squeezes at the sound before he’s reaching out and pulling Jihoon even closer, guilt eating away at him at the thought of Jihoon suffering alone and for ever wishing that Jihoon could hurt too. The breath that Jihoon exhales shudders through both of their bodies. “Let’s be better for each other from now on, okay?”

Jeonghan nods against Jihoon’s shoulder, a comfortable silence settling around them. He  _ will _ do better, will  _ be _ better, he decides as he feels Jihoon’s tears seeping through his shirt. Jihoon has always shared his pain and Jeonghan has just selfishly taken all that younger would offer, but no more. He’ll become stronger, so he can be able to help lessen Jihoon’s burden as well. 

The voice that has driven him mad for weeks is silent in the face of that resolution. 


End file.
